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Labels: LEWDpoop
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The Adventures of Greta Girthdowner and Tomelia Araya, A Macho Women with Guns tale: Attack of the Ugly Rockers
The year is inconsequential but the situation is generic post-apocalypticalated. Lancaster is in ruins, a home to the mutated dregs of the survivors.
Coincidentally, it is also a Monday.
Across this ruined landscape advances "the War Ensemble," Holy Roller of the Sisters of Slayer. The vehicle of destruction, armoured more than a feminist at a mid-saxon brothel; and with a shining two-wheeled death bringer hanging out of the back hatch, held in with sticky tape, carries two epic heroines around the remains of the city. The Heroines, so epic that they require a small orchestra to do them justice, were Tomelia Araya, woman of the bloodied cloth; and Greta Girthdowner, a cute little schoolgirl with a penchant for very big rifles. These were the warriors of the Sisters of Slayer.
Tomelia was restless, her hand stroked Saint Chk-Chk-Boom, her ten gauge shotgun; with a lust that surpassed the average chatroom client when they find out "her" address. However Greta was only longing for her dildo collection, lovingly stashed away at the Sisters' Headquarters. The 14 year old showed some adult qualities even at such an early age. She was born into this chaos and dammit she would have her fun!
They passed a corner, upon which they spied the remains of an ancient tavern, the only particularly distinguishing mark upon this tavern where the faded letters spelling BOBB. Within the tavern there could be heard loud dissonant noises and some form of bizzare grunting. The girls decided to investigate. They sped their titanic death machine into the walls of the ruin sending bricks, concrete, (and limbs) hurtling across the Lancaster sky.As they did so they simultaniously unlatched their favourite toys. Tomelia grasping her holy symbol, the Araya Cross-Bass with a strong sense of authority. She also loaded Saint Chk-Chk-Boom in preparation for possible combat. Greta, still not much more than a teenager at a catholic high school with lessons in murder, grasped Mittens: a pink and fluffy IMI Desert Eagle .50 Action Express.
From the newly created hole in the wall of the late BOBB small creatures scuttled forth.Short Wrinkled humanoids with unkempt hair and black loincloths crawled upon "the War Ensemble" attempting to pelvically thrust themselves through the gunports.Greta took careful, giggly aim at one of the creatures' leering eyes, which soon disappeared in a fine purple mist, along with the rest of its head. Tomelia was having rather less luck, however - in response to one of the noblins forcing the door open, all she could manage was to unload St. Chk-Chk Boom into the floor of The War Ensemble. Infantile giggles came from the remaining creatures as they tried to all force their way through the hatch at once.
"Tomelia! Kick 'em in the nads!" yelled Greta, as she dispatched another noblin to meet their disturbed maker. Tomelia let out a fierce warcry (literally - 'WAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!') and took careless aim at the rapidly approaching noblin. A tremendous blast, and a bloodied limb squelched to the floor.
"FOOKIN' OW! THAT FOOKIN' 'URT YE HAIRY BINT!" The noblin resumed its progress, listing slightly.
"DO YOU WANNA DIE!?" screamed Tomelia, and once again unleashed St. Chk-Chk Boom's shell-shaped painness towards the door. When she regained the use of her sight, the interior of The War Ensemble had been painted a rather disgusting pale of chicken burger and ale.Mittens' cutesy roars from the other side of the APC were joined by Greta's shrill shriek. Noblins winced as the bullets and sonic waves richocheted off the metal posters and fluffy dice around them.
"OW! MAH FOOKIN' EAR! YE'LL PAY FER THAT YE CUNTBASKET!" The originator of said phrase promptly exploded.
Tomelia once again took careful aim with her beloved shotgun, but the sauce from the chicken burger had jammed the firing mechanism, and all that resulted was Tomelia's elbow crashing into her voluptuous left breast.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" screamed Tomelia, in a rage of bloodlust and 80's thrash metal albums. "In Lord Satan we trust, for a cure that will kill my invincible foe!!" With this inspirational verse, she unjammed St. Chk-Chk Boom and obliterated another Noblin.
As the local population of Noblin quickly dwindled as Greta and Tomelia continuously fired lead into the walls and patrons of the late BOBB, a great bulbous shadow emcompassed the atmosphere. The Noblins' understanding what was happening scuttled away into the darkness of Lancaster's streets. The Noblins' disappearence had hardly registered with Greta and Tomelia when they were faced with a giant flabby blob clad in pure darkness and ale remains. Before them stood an immense (and overweight) Shoddygoth, once the owner of this ancient establishment.
Before they could react to the appearence of this monstrosity Greta gave out a cry, as her little finger was bitten off by the immense creature. The Shoddygoth just laughed at the two warriors, presumably helpless against her incredible size and terrible music.
However at this point Tomelia bellowed a verse of her order: "Modulistic Terror, a vast sadistic feast, the only way to exit, IS GOING PIECE BY PIECE!" Thus aiming Saint Chk-Chk Boom blew a hole in the Shoddygoth's immense belly. To finish the abomination once and for all she held forth the Araya Cross-Bass and proclaimed: "THERES ONLY ONE WAY OUT OF HERE!" and there was a blinding light, which could be seen across the entire north west.
As the remains of the late Shoddygoth fell from the sky Tomelia said under her breath: "piece by piece." However she had not noticed how Greta appeared somewhat paler than usual...
Labels: LEWDpoop